


Forever

by glowingatmosphere



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Depression, Introspection, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Seasonal Affective Disorder
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-08
Updated: 2020-10-08
Packaged: 2021-03-07 17:35:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,279
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26901493
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/glowingatmosphere/pseuds/glowingatmosphere
Summary: Feelings don’t last forever. Sometimes that’s a good thing.
Relationships: Dan Howell/Phil Lester
Comments: 6
Kudos: 19
Collections: Im-PROMPT-u Phandom Creator Challenge 2020





	Forever

Another day of feeling bad. Another morning of waking up, of seeing the grey light infiltrate his bedroom and the heavy clouds darkening the sky.

This morning is not worth waking up for. The sound of raindrops lightly tapping on Dan’s window does not bring comfort. It’s supposed to be sunny, it’s supposed to be bright, it’s supposed to not be like this.

He pulls the thick blanket over his head, plunging himself in darkness. He tries to pretend that the world outside is sunny and bright, he is simply choosing not to see it. If he peeks his head out of the blanket he’ll squint at the sun and feel the warmth on his skin. The feeling of recalling the pleasant sensation is almost as good as the real thing.

The rain is getting heavier. The sun is hidden and might stay that way for the rest of the day. Perhaps Dan will have to stay like this until the darkness of his blanket is replaced by the darkness of the night. Then it won’t matter whether it’s raining or not because the sun is supposed to be gone anyway, and Dan won’t have to pretend, won’t have to try so hard to trick his mind that he’s experiencing a different reality than he is.

Eventually the pain of his empty stomach and the suffocating feeling of inhaling his own stale breath under the blanket forces him to unwrap himself from it.

-

Eating some food and having some sweet, warm tea makes him feel better physically and, even though it’s hard to admit it, also mentally. It’s difficult to admit that all these overwhelming feelings somehow feel less intense after a bite of cereal and a sip of tea. If something so simple makes him feel calmer and a bit more stable, are these feelings even real? Is he overreacting, being dramatic, just making a big deal out things that other people apparently do not concern themselves with?

How come, after taking care of his basic needs, the sight of grey clouds and rain doesn’t bring as much that feeling of desperation, that feeling that everything is wrong in the world and nothing will ever be okay again?

Dan knows the feeling; it’s familiar by now. He’s used to waking up in a low or bad mood, thinking his day is ruined and he can do nothing about it. He can never do anything about anything in his life. He is not the one in control. It’s the weather or other people creating barriers for him, making him feel small and helpless. Things are bad and they always will be.

Before he learned the tools to escape the spiral of awful thoughts, Dan just stayed in his bed for hours, ignoring all his needs, even when his bladder was screaming at him to move, but he couldn’t. He couldn’t find the strength to move any part of his body, as if it was disconnected from his brain. Dan did not understand why he felt this way. Thinking about it and analyzing it took too much energy. And the truth was scary.

So he took control the only way he knew how: by punishing himself. He wouldn’t get up to pee, not because he couldn’t, but because he didn’t want to. He was a bad person who deserved to hurt, and inflicting pain on himself or doing nothing to relieve the pain was powerful. Blaming himself instead of others was immediate. It didn’t require thinking or effort or going through the panic-inducing and disheartening process of standing up for himself and seeing nothing happen.

Turning on himself was a relief in itself. It gave him an explanation to hold on to when things were uncertain, a villain who was easy to defeat because he did not fight back. Blaming himself made everything easier, clearer. It made the world make sense, it justified the hurt that others inflicted upon him. If he wasn’t a bad person, then why was the world telling him otherwise?

It took long to realize that he was doing nothing more than continuing the legacy of cruelty that was passed down to him. The first time he let himself see that he was trapped in that way of thinking, he broke down. When he opened the door just a tiny bit to check what was on the other side, it was so painful that he closed it again, locked it, refused to admit it even existed and left the therapist’s office with a blank expression on his face, but his hands shook as he held the phone to call a car to take him home.

If he can’t seek justice for what was done to him and he can’t blame himself, then what’s left? What else does he have to hold on to?

When he first started, the urge to quit therapy was overwhelming every time he tried something new and he didn’t see immediate results. There was also some twisted satisfaction accompanying his failure. As if trying and failing validated his view of himself and the belief that he couldn’t change. Keeping himself stuck in familiar thought and action patterns was strangely more comforting. Making breakthroughs that reduced him to a sobbing mess in front of a stranger were not as easy.

Even to this day, his therapist keeps reminding him that it takes time, that he has to be patient with himself, gentle to his mind. Dan resisted many times and he still struggles on certain days. If he’s kind to himself, who will push him forward, who will make him try harder?

It took months to finally see that no one was pushing him forward. Being cruel and unkind to himself was only pushing him to the ground. It was putting him in a dark room full of monsters, without him realizing that he was all alone and he was the one hurting himself in a desperate attempt to defend himself.

Depression is awful. Now he can admit to it, let himself give it a name, let the feelings that come with it be there and coexist with him instead of punishing himself for hurting. Waking up to the sun being gone is awful. But just because he can’t see the sun, it doesn't mean that it’s not there. Things could be better if he could see it, but he doesn’t control the weather. He doesn’t control the emotions that come up at the sight of the sky. He knows now that he can wake up sad and let himself feel it because it’s normal. Letting it happen is easier than resisting it.

It’s also easier because he knows that he’s not completely powerless and at the mercy of his emotions. He can control what is within his grasp. He pulls the blanket back. He takes a bite of food, a sip of drink. He texts back someone he has been ignoring for days, accepts the shame that comes with that, gives no excessive apologies because it is the way it is, he can’t go back in time and be prompt. The people who love him and appreciate him know and understand. He won’t lose their love and appreciation. He goes to the living room to find Phil looking up at him and smiling sleepily, trying to wake himself up with coffee.

He smiles back because he still loves with all his heart, even if he feels low and wishes things were different. Phil’s love for him doesn’t depend on how Dan feels in the moment. He knows he can feel bad and be loved. Emotions come and go. This won’t last forever.

**Author's Note:**

> The weather has a huge impact on my mood and since it's October it's been getting harder to cope with it. This is my way of getting my feelings out. Thanks to Cat for helping me make sure that this made sense. Thank you for reading!


End file.
